The Beginning I Guess :s

Ok guess as my first post i should probably introduce myself and all that blah blah blah

I guess if i explain why i am writing it first that might kind of help instead of just rabbiting on - My life hasnt been easy - and i guess im hoping ill meet people who can understand me and also get it out as i just cant say the things that go through my head

Guess my earliest memory was being 4 years old and getting the phone call that my Grandad had dies - heart attck - I dont really remember anything before that and if im honest besides things like my sisters birthday on the McDonalds train most memories since have been pretty grim

So anyway's a year later dad leaves, affair typical man, mum re married a man called Trevor, at the time i hated him but as im sure you will find out he is the best DADDY ever now, ever heard the saying "anyone can be a dad takes someone special to be a daddy" well upon 'GROWING UP' i realised this to be true - so getting back on track mum and Trev had 2 boys my brothers and its safe to say they are as crazy as me and Vik Vik (my sister) most certainly crazy runs through our DNA - dad had a few girlfriends and always so ends up with the CRAZY one had 3 kids and its safe to say i dont miss them as in honestly i dont know them, hopefully one day we will all reunite but if not i cant say its a loss - how can you loose something you never had???

I never really got on with my mum, my dad had his new family, me and my sister hated each other haha job of a little sister right?? My sister Vikki is my life, so kind caring and brave she is the strongest person i know - diagnosed with M.E. cronic fatigue syndrome when she was at school, this child had her life stolen, year out of school but went back but that year she laid in bed and watched her life be taken really - how is it fair for a child to have something like that?? She probably thinks i never noticed but i did, i watched when noone knew i was watching and i saw her fade away into a dark room headaches and tiered - i missed my sister - needless to say a very strong and on top of it now :)

So i was bullied at school, for weight, usual trate people tend to get bullied for, hid it for a while, to be honest though im glad i went through it looking back as it made me who i am

So typical kids life these days, broken disfunctional family, school blah blah - underage drinking, smoking same old shit different person - then it all changed

19 years old and i still remember the call from my sister 6.30pm my nan was ill - she wasnt just a nan she was my life, my mother figure, my best friend my EVERYTHING - i sat at 19 years old and watch her take her last breathe - my sister tried giving her mouth to mouth why i laid hysterical holding and hugging my nan screaming not to leave me - i would lie if i said i didnt lay there calm after knowing she was gone praying to God someone anyone (and im not religious) to bring her back - how could you take away the one person i needed and i need - Thats where it really started to go wrong - she kept me on the straight and narrow and now she was gone all i thought was "fuck it"

So i finished with my boyfriend of 3 years - i threw him and my love for him away like a bit of rubbish - i pushed away anyone who cared and went into self ditruct mode - working t pay for my alcohol, partying, boys all to numb the pain of 19 years of shit and then to take her i didnt care anymore

Anyway new bf, nice 2 week holiday (piss up more like) then i started to feel ill, stuck in a country far away from home - day i got back i found out i was pregnant, ok so shit ive just hit ground with a large thump - 7 months after my nan died i was given a gift to change my life forever - do i keep it or end up killing myself with the life style ive started

Then after 9 months of pure shit, sickness, pre eclampsia, after 30 minute labour, no pain relief i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 6.12pm weighing 6lb 6oz but i didnt want to hold her - i didnt know how to hold her - how can you say to a room full of people looking at you waiting for you to be soo happy you really wasnt and was scared beyond belief because this child this tiny baby who relied on you scared you more then death - 3 months old still hadnt bathed her, 4 months old i was finally diagnosed with post natal depression 21 years old given tablets that made me want to kill myself - how the hell is that helping me??? so i stopped taken them i sat in car with my best friend Michelle and told her straight "i know i should love my child but i dont. why dont i love my baby" do you have any idea how hard those words were to finally say - so Christmas Night after i text my mum saying " i didnt want to live anymore" and stearing at the medicine draw for hours holding this child i looked in to her eyes and realised i needed to sort this and i did!!

My anti depressants went straight into the bin where they needed to go, i walked from my relationship and i went home!!! the relief was instant, i was learning to be a mummy again - i went back to work full time when my child was 9 months old but i needed too i needed to miss her in order to love her - i dont expect everyone to understand believe me but its what i needed to do - 3 years on i can safely say my child is my best friend, she no longer scares me, she knows all my secrets, all my fears all my thoughts she s my world, i supply for her i love her i care for her - i do it alone through my wages no goverment help not even with childcare, no child maintenance me and my child take on this world alone

BUT.....i achieved this, i have good job where i have worked up to a manager and at 24 fuck me im proud but that doesnt hide the scares i cover everyday, the pain i feel, the tears i fight

People tell me i should be so strong because of all i have been through, but if im honest, i havent dealt with half the shit, i burried it and now its creeping its way to the surface slowly and surely meaning im having to deal with it, which is good.....i think :S

Sick of people saying i should be happy.....cant you see.....i just dont know how to be

Im not your average girl next door - i come from a comfortable broken misfit family - i created a broken family for my child and you know what i dont need sympathy it dont mean jack to me i want someone to understand more then anything i want to get it out and my sister suggested this is how i do it - maybe someone out there can relate to me?? so i dont feel so segregated

I have a flashy car to get noticed but i wear tracksuits to hide - just a bit contradicting dont you think? I say it how it is and how i feel - My blogs will be completly random to deep and dark but how i feel is how i will write!!

XxX